I have struggled every day of my adult life to feel not like I fit in, because I know I do. I make it easy for people to get to know me. I am accessible, friendly, gregarious, extroverted.
I also am a deeply sensitive and emotional person. I cry A LOT. I’m not ashamed for people to see it; I think it’s a normal and healthy thing most of the time. But as “genuine” and “real” as I may come across through sharing my self-deprecating jokes and trying to spread body positivity and posting about depression online, there still is an untapped well here that not that many people get to see. It’s not pretty, and it’s upsetting to people that haven’t experienced it for the first time. Sometimes there are triggers, and sometimes it’s like my brain just decides I need to cry about things for a bit. And there is nothing I can do to stop it.
But what I really struggle with is this: am I as good to others as they are to me? My brain never quite lets me believe that I am. In my mind, I am a taker. I talk too much (and interrupt and talk over people), I suck up the energy from every room I enter with my neediness, I don’t remember to check in on people when they’re struggling, or to offer to do things to make their lives easier. I very much feel like a burden the majority of my life, to the majority of the people in it.
So this is hard. Today is hard. I started having anxiety about 3 years ago, and my first panic attack (that I recognized as that) was the week before my 40th birthday. Since then, birthday anxiety has gotten more and more difficult to handle. I often wish to go to sleep on July 6 and wake up on July 8, with the day passing as insignificantly as any other day. No fuss, no fanfare, nothing special. The thought of anyone spending their time, money, or any effort ON ME is so extremely nerve-wracking and guilt-inducing that I find myself working really hard not to be rude to people, because I am trying to shut out the world. I don’t want to come off ungrateful, because I’m not. It’s just that I feel like I take so much kindness and time from people already throughout the year, there’s no need to have an extra day for it.
I am lucky enough that my family loves me, and when I leave work I will go pick my kids up and take them to my parents’ home, where people have cooked me dinner and my sister and her family will be there to swim and enjoy the evening with us. Which is all I really want: a day like any other day being an excuse for a family dinner. I’m just usually the one cooking. I’m trying not to feel guilt about that, because that’s how I show love. I generally bake the birthday cakes in my family for everyone, and when my sister asked what kind of cake I wanted, I couldn’t even answer. Which probably makes her feel like I don’t care or appreciate her effort, but it’s just that she’s supported me in SO MANY other ways, especially for the past 2 years, that I am uncomfortable making requests for anything else I want her to do.
And before that, I’m going to go and read the kind and lovely messages from the kind and lovely people I’ve made friends with over the past two years, and try to feel like I have “earned” it. I think birthday celebrations are tough because there’s a sense deep down of “I did nothing to deserve this…I was just born.” However, because people were so generous to me with their time and thoughts and well wishes, I will give each one the time and attention it deserves, and I will be thankful for each person involved. Truly. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
