I get caught a lot with my head in the clouds, thinking about why a person chooses to date/crush on/pine after/pursue another person (and generally, I’m thinking of heterosexual pairings because that’s what I am). The more I know about men, the less I understand their choices sometimes. Hell, the more I know about women, the less I understand our choices, too. There are a multitude of men that would be interested in me in a strictly sexual way, despite society reinforcing the message that my body shouldn’t be seen as attractive. Far fewer in number, I’m finding, are men that actually want to date me. For a long time, I had my ass on my shoulders about this, assuming again that it was because they wouldn’t want to be seen in public with a woman my size, or be teased by their friends, called a chubby chaser, have to defend their choice to date me, and a bunch of other things that I think I’ve realized for the most part are just me projecting. Sure, there are some that do feel this way, but those are very easy to sus out. For the majority, it’s another reason entirely.
And before I get into what is going to sound like a very bitter, cynical evaluation of many humans’ emotional immaturity, let me start with a disclaimer: NOT ALL MEN. I know this. I know many wonderful men that don’t fit this category, that see women as a whole person to get to know on a deeper level, and respect all of our defense mechanisms and idiosyncrasies and insecurities and want to understand why they exist, not tell us why they shouldn’t.
The real reason men don’t date women like me is simple: we’re not easy.
Men like to feel like providers, protectors. They’ve been taught since an early age that their value to women lies in their wealth, just as women have been taught that our value lies in our physical beauty. As a person that is anti-materialistic almost to a fault, I struggle so much when I watch men date women that EXPECT “things” from them: flowers on Valentine’s Day, jewelry on anniversaries, lavish birthday gifts, Christmas vacations, and surprises along the way. Even worse, I am inundated with memes and jokes about how she “says” she doesn’t want anything, but that’s a trap. WHY would you want to be with someone that manipulates you that way? Why would someone choose that over a woman that would feel uncomfortable if a man spent a lot of money on her? It’s because it makes them feel secure. Gifts are easy. You give a woman a present, and she’s happy. She likes you. Who wants to put in the effort to find out how to make an independent woman happy when you can just buy this other girl chocolates & roses and she gives you attention? (And don’t get me wrong, I LOVE getting flowers, and I’m not anti-gift. It’s the expectation that bugs me. I would just prefer someone not pay extra b/c it’s a certain day of the year, and send me flowers when I least expect it. Or, a perfect example, give me a tiny $10 Christmas gift that is meaningful because of something very specific to our relationship. I’m talking to you, Charlie Brown.)
Speaking of attention, the next thing I can’t figure out is how many men are willing to SPEND MONEY on sex workers for a little bit of attention in return. (This is not anti sex-work at all. If you do it because you enjoy it and that’s how you can make the best living, I am ALL for it. Be safe, and get that bag, ladies.) The OnlyFans culture fascinates me. Paying for access, for a “private” DM that likely 10 or 100 other men also got is just dumbfounding. There are REAL WOMEN that are interested in getting to know you and will SEND YOU NUDES FOR FREE as well as stimulate your mind and cook you dinner and scratch your head when you’re driving and mean it when they tell you what a great kisser you are. I get that men are driven by physicality, but I cannot imagine someone giving me attention just because I paid them, and me somehow feeling like that fulfills my need for romantic human connection. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to deal with her trauma. A transactional relationship is easier than having to discern when your girl is just in a funk or mad at you for something. She doesn’t roll her eyes when she has to reload the dishwasher. She doesn’t get irrationally jealous of the cute new intern at your work. She doesn’t offer a half-hearted handjob because she’s too tired for sex. She is a fantasy. And sometimes fantasy is so much easier than real.
Let’s talk about banter. Banter is where I think I excel. I am intelligent, witty, sarcastic, and…unafraid to call you on your bullshit. Ah, yes, it was fun until we got to that part, right? I see so many men on social media say they love flirty banter, and then I watch what that means for them, and it’s exchanging silly Gifs and emojis and it’s all just so adorable and FUCKING MEANINGLESS. But I have had one explain it to me, explicitly: it’s easy. They don’t have to think, everything is a cute little bubble of positivity. I think this is probably also why some men loved those high-pitched little girl voices. It just sounds sweet and innocent and playful. My flirting feels like a test. I am challenging, I will make you question your own views, very few men are smart enough to catch on to what I’m really doing. So to the rest of you, my banter feels aggressive, like I’m trying to make you slip up or catch you in a fib, and I probably sound really bitter. I’m honestly not, though. I am amused by these interactions. I’m intrigued by most men, and I enjoy observing them, evaluating them, figuring them out. I’m not bitter once I get there at all, I’m just a little disappointed in you. I expected more.
So, y’all like what you like. I get it. Complicated women are work, from the beginning. We know what we want and at my age, we no longer settle for someone unwilling to accept our boundaries. We’re happy alone much of the time, and that’s got to be intimidating as FUCK to men that are used to the trope of clingy, needy women. I will not chase you if you pull away. I don’t want to play games or use other men to make you jealous or pretend that I am some amazing kinky sex bunny. I am a very normal, average, middle aged single mom. I am confident enough to not settle, yet carry enough insecurities to assume you’re settling for me. It’s not an easy wall to climb. Most men are going to reach for the rope, say nah, not for me, and go for the easy thing.
I get it. Do what makes you happy. I just want the other complicated, difficult women like me to keep understanding just how valuable they are. And we don’t need easy men to prove that to ourselves. The right ones will know what to do. (Usually. I mean, at least half the time. Occasionally. Forget it, just keep being yourself.)
